Many of the friends I spoke to expressed similar feelings. I think women do that a lot. They hang on in ways that are often invisible. A lot of women have tried to address these problems and have faced a lot of stubbornness from husbands. So maybe now what women are deciding is that infidelity is a third way. We now tell women that they can have it all, that they can work and have a family and deserve to be sexually satisfied.
I tested this idea out on a few of the friends who had confided in me about their affairs, and most of them agreed. Twenty or thirty years ago they might have opted for divorce, because surely there was another man out there who could do better in this role, who could satisfy them completely.
But a lot of these women are children of divorce. They lived through the difficulties divorce can create. That was our Christmas. Why did these people marry in the first place? I confided in a friend once that, after 15 years of marriage, the institution and the relationship itself continued to mystify me. It promised to expand my circle of family and improve my credit score, to tether me to something wholesome and give my life meaning.
Could any single relationship not fall short of such expectations? Sometimes I wonder if when the kids leave I should either a have a passionate affair or b find another husband.
We asked relationship experts like Nelson about why women cheat today, plus what to do if it's happening. A recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that, although men are still more likely to cheat for sexual variety, it's still among the top three reasons women cheat. The same study found another top reason women cheat is that they've fallen out of love with their current primary partner. Even if the love is still there, in general a woman who's unhappy in her relationship may be more inclined to cheat.
Whether because of anger, home, financial problems, family trouble—the list goes on—they may feel cheating will offer them what their current relationship isn't. The third top reason for women cheating, according to the study? It was just situational.
Things like being drunk and "not thinking clearly. Sometimes, affairs happen because of opportunity," Nelson adds. Whether it's physical or emotional, intimacy is one of those needs we all want to see met. If a woman isn't feeling intimately fulfilled in her relationship, and someone comes along who exhibits that type of intimacy , there will be an attraction. Some older research has found women tend to have a stronger emotional connection to the new person they're cheating with than male cheaters do, suggesting romance is part of the cheating equation for women.
Sometimes people cheat because the new person gave them a new feeling or made them feel like someone else. Low self-esteem can create a desire for outside validation, psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph. This might be particularly true if the person isn't receiving validation from their current partner, but Paul notes it's really the lack of self-love that can push someone to cheat.
They're abandoning themselves in numerous ways and because of that they're needy for outside attention. In this way, she notes, the instance of cheating or an affair may be less about the attention someone gives them and more about the attention they aren't giving themselves.
Cheating may also indicate there's something within themselves or the relationship that they're not dealing with. Paul compares cheating to turning to alcohol or drugs, in that people might turn to any of these behaviors as a way to run away from their feelings instead of directly addressing them. Sometimes people cheat because they want their relationship to end, and cheating seems like an easier way to break it than to directly confront their partner.
But Nelson also points out that sometimes people cheat because they want something in their current relationship to change: "Women cheat to get out of a marriage, or to stay in one," she says. Research suggests that men are more likely to cheat in committed relationships. Interestingly, women in the age group actually cheated slightly more than men. Though as the years go on, fewer women cheat while more men cheat, and the gap gets wider over time. To be cheated on can sever the trust of an otherwise healthy relationship—and to be the cheater can leave one feeling guilty, confused, and unsure of how to move forward.
Perhaps you just discovered your partner is cheating, or maybe you're the one who did the cheating. Either way, it's important to address it if you want to move forward, whether that means staying together or breaking up. Let your partner know you need to talk to them about something important, and take some time to think about how you want to approach the conversation. Couples' therapy may be a good option to encourage a healthy and productive discussion.
I see over and over again that the relationship can get much, much better when both people open up and deal with what created the dysfunction. Or, even if she's not ready to leave, she might act out because she has what psychologists call an "insecure attachment" style. The good news is these issues are fix-able. We work really hard with people who have an insecure attachment style to find other ways of responding and ways of regulating strong emotions.
If you feel your relationship is off track and your partner may be contemplating or starting an affair, there are certain clues you can keep an eye out for. Having lots of random coffee dates or meetings with people you've never heard of or never met is also a clue. The biggest red flag is being wacky with the phone — if the phone is always locked and never leaves her sight, even when she's in the shower, I'd worry.
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